Archive Post: Original blog post and comments from November 2011 can be found at

Yes. This picture pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately, lol. While some things are moving along, there are those annoyances that keep creeping up and messing up my flow. Rail, car and bus traffic in the most inopportune times, piled on work that feels like its just not getting done, miscommunications, headaches, painful muscle spasms.........the works. That's been the last few weeks for me. That's not to say I didn't have high points, like spending time with some special people at a conference this weekend, or working on fun events, but it's just been feeling like some key things that are important to me are just not happening, and that I have no control over them. 
frus·tra·tion (noun):
a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs 

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't like to unload my burdens on others, but last night and today, I had to call it in to a few people. I'm stressed. I've got stuff happening at work that's been difficult to navigate around, people that are pulling complete 360s on me and attacking my whole character because of one misunderstanding, trains which never run late, running super late when I choose to take that to get to work a little earlier (and end up getting there later)...............I've just been feeling attacked all around and like I can't do anything right. How can I be hustling so hard each day, trying to accommodate others so much and still end up here? It's crazy. Sorry if I'm venting a bit, lol. Unlike other posts, I'm still actually in the middle of it and not quite at the end of it yet. But I think that's where the strength of everything God's laid on my heart is coming from.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who created heaven and earth ~Ps 121:1-2

For one, I have found myself for the past few weeks stuck in this frustrated place, and finding it harder to really pray and dwell in His presence longer. I talk to God throughout the day, but my worship hasn't been the same. I guess, I haven't looked to praise really as the source of my help in all of this. It's been praying solely to thank God for the things that have been going well, and out of habit, but not really laying everything at God's feet to handle. I do have a hard time laying down my burdens in general for others to handle, but I'm learning that I really need to intentionally do that more to get the right guidance from God to help me make the right decisions to get myself out of it. 

Even as I'm saying this, I'm recognizing that sometimes its really hard. Sometimes[at least for me] it feels like the very thing you've been praying for each day is what is falling apart the worst. Its the one thing that you can't see your way out of, and you keep trying to do your best with it, but nothing seems to be coming through. A good mentor of mine mentioned a few pearls to a group of us a church these past few weeks, and I'm starting to see the relevance to my own life. The first thing he said was

"If you can see it, its not faith" 
Wow, that's deep. Especially for me, because it it my lack of seeing my way out of these things, and understanding what God is going to do next that's been getting me even more frustrated. The next thing he said which goes with it, is
"We need to have stubborn faith"
I'm really holding onto this, and imagining a stubborn child who just wants to grab a piece of candy off of the dining table which he's too short to reach. He jumps, and reaches and reaches, but once he realizes his inadequacies, he goes to the mom or dad for help to get it. Now, if its something he's allowed to have, the parent of course will give it to him, but if this kid already has rotten teeth, or if the candy has some grossly unhealthy ingredients or side effects, the kid won't have it, but for his own good. I'm really working on having that stubborn faith, and believing that all things really are working for my good. Its really hard to see that the bad annoyances are working for your good. Its super duper easy when you're on the other end of whatever hill you just climbed to say oh, it wasn't that bad, but somehow in the middle of it, it feels that bad, lol. But I'm trying to learn to have a more holistic and long term focus, because I know that's what God is working on. He has more than enough grace to fill my inadequacies, and his thoughts of me are greater than I can imagine, regardless of what others think or say about me. He has his own ways of placing and removing things from my life, and His judgement will always be right. I'm using this time as a weightlifting class for my faith. He sees the whole picture, and its bright, so I have to just see God and know that my future is bright in His hands. 

As always, as I'm encouraging myself, I hope this encourages you through whatever may be happening with you as well. I write as I grow, and I pray that we all keep growing!